Diary of a Kinky Ethnic Foodie

by Miss Bruce

Plus-size dating tips: Men to avoid, teenage dating techniques to avoid and the top 10 dating tips for plus-size women. Honestly, what more could you want?

I am a plus size woman and I was a chubby child and a fat teenager.

In secondary school there was a boy called Justin. I liked him so much it hurt. One day I decided to show Justin that even though I was fat I could still run and I was pretty fit. I somehow thought that he would suddenly be interested in me once he saw how fast I could run.

One day, I saw Justin nearby with a friend of his as I was walking home with a couple of my girlfriends. I wanted Justin to see me run and realise how fit and therefore desirable I was, so (it was a crazy plan, I know) I slapped one of my girlfriends in the face. She chased me just the way I’d wanted her to. Now I was running in front of Justin! Now he could see how fit I was! Now he would fall in love!

She caught me, of course. I had a mini skirt on and - it gets worse - I didn’t realise I also had a massive hole in my tights between my thighs.

So when I saw the boy of my dreams and his mate laughing I thought it was because I was cool and I had impressed him. Unfortunately he had seen my hole and thought I was a loser.

I went home, locked myself in my bedroom and cried to Love II Love by Damage. Those were not the days.

Justin wasn’t the end of it. I have always had a problem with dating. Not just because I was overweight but because I had no self-esteem until my early twenties. I came across different types of men over the years that were (and probably still are) very strange and I think it’s best for us girls if I tell you about some of them:

Mr. I don’t want you but what can you buy for me?

This man is broke and only wants to be with you because you earn more money than him so you can buy him things. You think somewhere deep down that he has feelings for you so you try to buy his love but it doesn’t work. He never says he loves you and never takes you out.

Avoid him like the plague.

Mr. I have never slept with a big girl before.

He saw you and thought you look nice enough to sleep with but not to date. He knows what it is like to have sex with slim chicks and now he wants to have more cushion for the pushin’.

If you want to get some action then go for it, if not then stay away.

Mr. One date and you are my girlfriend.

This man saw you and thought you were beautiful. You went out on one date and now he thinks you are an item.

Unless it was mutual love at first sight or unless you’re both teenagers just figuring out the ropes in how love works, you should probably stay away from him.

Mr. I love you after three dates.

You went out a few times and had a great time together - then you get a text from him saying he loves you. How can he love you when he doesn’t know you? I believe in love at first sight, but come on!

If you believe he loves you, then great - but chances are he is only saying that and he doesn’t really mean it. True love usually takes a little time to admit. You want to be sure you feel it before you say it - or hear it.

Mr. Nigeria.

He is from Nigeria; he has two phones and is wearing a silk shirt and crocodile shoes. You see him watching you from a distance and then before you know it he is next to you claiming you are the woman of his dreams. He also tells you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world and he has never seen a woman that looks like you. He will not leave until he gets your phone number and then proceeds to call you while you are standing there to check that it is real.

If you like him then give him a chance but he probably tells a million other girls what he told you. Only date him if you like his accent and the shoes.

Mr. Touchy feely in the club.

You are dancing and having a great time with friends until you feel these hands wrap around your waist from behind. You dance with him for a bit until you start to feel him grabbing your breasts and rubbing your bum. You keep moving his hands away until you get fed up and tell him to go away. Later that night he comes back and tries to do it again.

If you like being rubbed up in the club then enjoy but if not you must look the man in his eyes and tell him that you refuse to give him cheap thrills.

Mr. Let’s just sleep together.

He is sexy and muscular and you like him a lot. You get to know each other and then end up sleeping together. You pray that you can one day meet his family, get married and have his babies. Basically the man is perfect but he only wants to sleep with you, nothing more and nothing less. You can’t get your head around it and wish you could get him to want you in a different way. Unfortunately he just wants to get it in.

If you can handle having fun with no strings attached then keep him just to do the dirty. If you can’t handle it then get out and away while the feelings are shallow.

Mr. Internet.

You met online in a chat room/dating site (delete as appropriate) and he sounds fantastic. You haven’t seen his photo but you can’t imagine a guy with such a great personality being ugly. You arrange to meet up only to be intensely disappointed.

You knew deep deep deep down that it was too good to be true but end up back on the net looking for the next one.

Ladies, these are men that I have come across and of course they are all a bit dodgy. You have been warned.

Luckily for me, I have met the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my soul mate…(shut UP I hear you cry!) Well, remember the saying: Love comes along when you least expect it. So I’m going to give you my top ten tips for life and dating as a plus size woman…

10 Tips for dating as a plus-size woman

1) Never forget your good points - a lot of the time us women focus on all our negatives and never the positives. Well, the good should always outweigh the bad, so make a list of all the things that are wonderful about you and put it up in your house somewhere. It will boost your confidence, especially if you look at it daily. Sometimes we all need a reminder of our fabulousness!

2) Dress to impress - if you feel like crap then please don’t dress like it. I know for a fact that some of us women feel low sometimes and don’t see the point in making an effort. But believe me once you put your make up on and get dressed up you will feel so much better. And if you feel and look good you might even get your future honey’s attention.

3) Do not settle for less - if you have been single for a while then I know how exciting it can be when a cute guy gives you a second look. Some of us have dated a guy just because he was a man and not because we liked him. If you really don’t like him then do not date him and do not become his girlfriend. Have some self respect and let it go, after all there are plenty more fish in the sea as they say.

4) Relax - spend some time on yourself. Take a nice long bath with a glass of wine/ovaltine (you may not drink, and ovaltine really does make things better) and a good book, meditate or cook a nice meal for yourself. Do things that make you feel good no matter how busy you are. You don’t always need a man to make you feel good, you can do it yourself.

5) Don’t be afraid to just date - if you meet a guy you like and all he wants to do is sleep with you then ditch him asap (unless that is what you are looking for). Get that man to take you out on a date or three before you start thinking about sleeping together. Dating should be fun so take the time to get to know each other.

6) Do not pretend to be something you are not - try not to confuse yourself in life and just be yourself. If you are shy deep down then why act like you are the most confident girl in town? Are you copying someone else’s style? Are you pretending that you love being single when you hate it? People will see through you and wonder what you are doing.

7) Live your life - I know it can be hard when you are single and all you want is a man. But you can’t spend every night at home listening to sad music and using up all your tissues. Go out with your friends and socialise. If you don’t enjoy life without a man then what you are saying to yourself is that you need a man to be happy and to give your life meaning which is not true.

8) Ignore bad talk - people can be cruel sometimes, calling you names when you walk past. Try to ignore it and don’t let one single nasty comment get you down. You are better than those people who get joy from trying to make others sad.

9) Make that change - if you hate your hairstyle then change it or if you want to lose 3lbs then go and do something about it. We all procrastinate about one thing or another but sitting on your bum will not change anything. So work on changing what you don’t like or shhhhhh!

10) Enjoy - when you do go out on a date then enjoy it. Please don’t be scared or nervous because the whole point of going on a date is to get to know each other. If you need to then have a sip of brandy but don’t get drunk. Remember if something won’t bother you when you are 80 years old then don’t let it bother you now. Get out there and have some fun!

This has inspired me to take photos of groceries each week.  Well, it hasn’t so much inspired the photos (bc I already do that), but to keep them and post them to tumblr—and really think about what I’m buying and eating.  Way too many of the people from “developed” countries lived off of sodas and pre-prepared foods.